Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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