we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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