Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
