we're chasing vodka with high fives
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
