i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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