I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
