I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
