She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
