Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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