I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
