Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The struggles of a small town man whore
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
pray to the hookup gods
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
