dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
