went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
