If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
