Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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