not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
