Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
