dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
