I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
