Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
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