I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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