drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
