Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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