he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
