Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
