I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
