fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
