Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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