i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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