I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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