I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
