Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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