u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
