just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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