the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
