So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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