I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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