I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Houston, we have a blender
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
