i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
