I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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