Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
