EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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