He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
