I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
