peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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