Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
