Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
