Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
