I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
