If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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